Thursday, January 27, 2011


Evidently, without any one consulting me, someone went and changed my zodiac sign. All because someone else has decided the earth now has a wobbly orbit. Which somehow changed the way the earth is aligned to the stars. Which obviously means I get a new zodiac sign.

I got assigned the new sign, of course, the one with the name I can't pronounce. The one with some crazed man with snakes. Of course. I hate snakes. Do you think anyone will be mad if I keep my old sign? Or will the earth get wobblier and knock the stars into new constellations? Maybe someone will name a constellation after me. At least you can pronounce my name.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


FL: I wish someone would tell me the truth about Bigfoot.
Me: It's not real.
FL: I bet if someone added up all the facts about Bigfoot, it would equal up to a real Bigfoot. Well, minus the head.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Warm Up Brings Out the Weirdos

Just joking, no weirdos here. But we did come home to find a chukar partridge sitting on our front porch. If I had been paying attention, I think I could have picked him up with my bare hands, he was so tame. We followed his footprints and it seems to have come down the road off the mountain and wandered around the neighbor's porch then came to our's. Didn't get a picture of him, but he was sure pretty. The warm weather must have brought him to town in search of a bird feeder or something.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Friday, January 21, 2011

(A)Typical Friday Morn

2:00 a.m. I get home from work

5:30 Alarm goes off for D

6:30 D leaves for work

6:31 CBS and CGS get up to find a 2 hour school delay (due to snow)

6:32 FL hears the boys and asks if there is a school delay

6:33 FL starts crying because she wants to go to school and doesn't want a delay

6:34 the boys start laughing at FL because she wants to go to school

6:34 FL starts screaming

6:35 I start yelling

6:36 everyone is quiet

6:37 Boys start playing Wii, reallly loud

6:38 Fl starts whining she is hungry

6:40 I tell FL to get dressed

6:41 FL continues to whine about being hungry and refuses to get up and get dressed by herself

7:30 FL finally gets dressed

7:31 I get up and make FL breakfast, which she doesn't finish

8:02 telemarketer calls

9:21 the bus finally comes for the boys

9:21 telemarketer calls again

9:22 FL starts playing the Wii, completely messing up the game

9:45 telemarketer calls again

10:00 FL is standing at the door, completly ready for school, although the bus won't come for another 31 minutes.

10:01 FL is certain the bus isn't coming

10:03 FL is certain she has missed the bus

10:05 I am certain I am losing my mind

10:06 FL finds something on TV to watch, while standing at the front door waiting for the bus

10:20 FL has to open the main door (leaving the storm door closed) just in case the bus comes early

10: 21 I quiz FL on her reading sight words and she writes them on the frost on the storm door

10:33 the bus is 2 minutes late

10:33 telemarketer calls again

10:34 I have lost my mind

10:35 the bus comes and I find that a boy has been nice and shoveled the sidewalk

10:36 I sit down to eat a bagel and take a deep breath

10:37 TDQ comes downstairs in a mood

10:38 I know I have lost my mind

10:40 Jake the dog needs out

10:42 Jake the dog need in

10:45 our wonderful neighbor has completed plowing everyone's driveways with his Bobcat

11:00 TDQ needs help with school work

11:01 Jake the dog eats some paper

11:08 I clean out 2 kitchen drawers (junk drawers)

11:25 Jake the dog eats some plastic

11:27 Jake the dog eats some more plastic

11:35 TDQ needs more help with school work

11:40 I find out I know nothing about American Lit (Thomas Paine's "Crisis No.1)

11: 50 I find out I know nothing about Graphic Design either

11:55 Jake the dog needs out again

11:59 If I can last 1 more minute, the morning will be over

11:59:30 telemarketer calls again, Jake the dog eats more plastic, TDQ has a meltdown, the wind has blown the roof off a rabbit cage

12:00 Since I am writing this, I survived. I guess.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

To Go Or Not To Go

FL has been a little under the weather lately, but she refuses to miss any school.(I think she's the only one in the class that hasn't missed a day.) Last night she kept waking up and first she would say, "I'm not going tomorrow. " Then, "I'm going tomorrow. No, I'm not going. Yes, I am." ALL night long! She finally jumped out of bed (after Jake the dog jumped on us) and screamed, "I'm going! I can't miss any school!" I was sure the teacher would be calling me to come pick FL up, but no phone calls all day. After school she told us she lasted all day because "she held the barf in." I'm so proud of her.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Thoughts on Moving

It's been 9 years since we've moved here and I still am not accustomed to all the things I come across. Who knew moving 2 states away from home would be like moving to another country. For example:

Evidentally it is common to sit in your house on the toilet and shoot a deer on opening day. While I have never witnessed this, I am assumming the deer is not in your house, but just outside your bathroom window. That is, unless I am totally wrong, and your toilet is on the back porch, which could be also. . . .?

Once at dusk, I saw a tall thin man running full tilt down the side of the road, air-punching Rocky Balboa style, while wearing a Spiderman ski mask. At first I thought he had escaped from the local prison, but then realized he was running toward the prison.

I am glad I did not have to potty-train the boys here. I just can't bring myself to say, "Hey! If you gotta pee, at least pee OFF the porch!"

Just when you think you are acclimated to the red neck life, you overhear someone in the local store say, "My mother married my brother's sister." Really, I heard this for real.

I am not squeamish about fishing bait, but the grocery story having the ice cream right across the aisle from grubs and mealy worms is thought provoking.

And don't bribe your kids to go to a family function with promises of pigs-in-a-blanket. They are not cocktail wieners wrapped in crescent rolls. Uhmmm, I'm not really sure what the cabbage is wrapped around, but it is not a cocktail wiener.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Laser Eye Surgery

Although I wear glasses, I never felt the need to have laser eye surgery. First, I have a gag-reflex problem when it comes to touching my eyeballs, can't even watch someone else put their contacts in without turning my head. Besides, I always thought that I'd get my eyes fixed by The Perfect Doctor (God) when I get to heaven, that way I will have perfect assurance that my eyes won't get messed up in surgery.

Second reason not to have surgery is the fact that I have kids. Kids that puke in the middle of the night. Kids that expect me to clean up that puke. If I don't wear my glasses for the initial cleaning period, I just don't see what no one wants to see anyways. I wonder if people who get laser eye surgery are ever warned that they might now see things they really don't want to see?

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Friday, January 7, 2011


Over Christmas break, FL made me this very nice picture. We hung it on the inside of the front door, since it was too large for the frig. It shows a Christmas tree, a fireplace, a very small triangle-shaped dog (because she can't draw a "real" looking dog, she says it's Jake the dog howling) and our family of seven people. Only problem is. . . . . our family only has six people in it. She had no explanation for the extra person.

Monday, January 3, 2011

She's Back!

I think kindergarten must be draining for FL because she hasn't really said anything funny since September. But it seems she has overcome her drought lately.

She saw a picture of a squid that someone caught on a fishing trip. "I thought they were bigger than that. That really disappoints me."

I asked her to get a screwdriver out of the kitchen drawer for me. I had my hands full and she said, "Will this work?" She doesn't hold up a normal sized tool, this screwdriver is about 20 inches long. (I'd show you a picture, but my camera is broken, remember? sorry) I honestly don't know where that came from or how it even fit into the kitchen drawer.

FL:"You're uglier than a brown banana!"

CBS: "That's lame."

FL: "That's all I could think of at the moment."

Sunday, January 2, 2011


I have a confession. I haven't told anyone I have this blog. Yet. I think the family is beginning to suspect, but they really don't care. Found a poem, it's from the old Chevy Tahoe commercials, with the voice of James Garner. Some voices just stick in your head and you never forget them. I particularly like James Earl Jones' voice. I think he should do a Bible on Tape recording, because that's what I picture God's voice sounding like.
Nobody Knows It But Me

There's a place that I travel

When I want to roam

And nobody knows it but me.

The roads don't go there

And the signs stay home

And nobody knows it but me.

It's far far away

And way way afar

It's over the moon and the sea.

And wherever you're going

It's wherever you are

And nobody knows it but me.

~Patrick O'Leary